Category: Kitchen

I was talking to my friend, Chad, and he’s all like “I gotta get a bathroom designer in because my girl wants me to renovate the bathroom and I can’t design anything.”

To be honest, I don’t really have a girl at the moment, because Isa and I aren’t going steady anymore. Someday, some girl is going to ask me to remodel the bathroom or something and I’m not sure I’m ready. That’s commitment in a nutshell if I ever heard of it, because if you have a bathroom, you have a house. If you have a house, you have a life, and a mortgage, and if you have a life and a mortgage you have a wife, and if you have a wife you might even have kids, and now I need a paper bag to breathe into or whatever because that’s just terrifying. A mortgage…a bathroom to remodel, that I bought, with tons of money, and now I owe, like, the government tons of money. This is why Chad needs to stop coming to me with his problems, because we’re, like…at different stages of life, man. Like, he’s at his stage, where his girl is asking him to remodel the bathroom, and I’m playing video games until 4am every night, sitting on a beanbag because it’s the only piece of furniture I actually own. Well, that, and a kettle. I have to have my peppermint tea before I got to bed. It settles me.

Chad needs to go talk to one of his other friends. Like, maybe Chad, who just got married and he’s been posting on Visage-Tome about all their plans for the house, which probably include kitchen renovations. He’s probably in touch with all sorts of Melbourne kitchen designers, and conveyancers, and gardeners, and all the stuff that proper adults have. I rent on the fifth floor just so I don’t have to deal with any of that stuff.

-Chad

 Someone asked me recently what I’m looking forward to in 2019. And I was all like…gosh…it’s not New Year’s Eve. Stow it with the big questions. I guess in 2019 we’re getting phones that can roll up, so that’s pretty exciting. That wasn’t the answer they were looking for, though. I think it was more like ‘job prospects!’ and ‘installing a new wood burning fire in my four-bedroom house!’ and other really adult things that make me physically ill to talk about.

Of course, Lorelei was only asking because she wanted to talk about all of HER very mature goals, like having a baby (yawn) and her and Kal going on holiday to Port Douglas, their dream destination, and how her restaurant is getting a commercial wok burner. Oh gosh, she went on about the commercial kitchen equipment for what seemed like hours, and I was just like ‘Lorelei, next time I see you at a party I’m going to come down with a sudden, violent case of hiccups so I can leave the room’.

Then again, I’d gladly hear about a commercial wok burner over the other stuff that makes me feel like I’m not doing anything with my life. In fact, it did rouse within me a desire to be a bit more of a foodie this year. I’ve been slaving away trying to cook my own stuff and none of it seems to go right. Apparently I was cursed with a great love for good food but the complete inability to actually make any of it myself, so I’m thinking ‘whatever, that’s what restaurants are for.’ They have all the equipment to make food properly instead of me having to look up conversion tables and wondering if the inside of the chicken will still be pink because my oven is just plain awful.

Commercial ovens are built for that sort of thing. They cook everything the way you want them, so…that’s good. I’ll try out as many restaurants as I can, and that’ll fill the void in 2019 nicely. Thanks, Lorelei! Still don’t ever want to talk to you again though.

 

-Oscar