I have a pretty comprehensive list of rules for dating, which I think really does help to keep the heartbreak to an absolute minimum. Comprehensive guidelines and plenty of open dialogue: that’s the secret to romance, in my humble opinion.
For example, I’m afraid I just can’t see myself settling down with a girl who sees a mouse and treats it like World War III has descended upon the house. This isn’t a cartoon from the 1950s; it’s real life, and that mouse will not hurt you. I don’t want to find a girl, settle down to a happy married life, get a house in Mornington and then come home one day to find the Mornington pest control people swarming all over the house because my life partner couldn’t stand the sight of a little furry critter.
That’s the rule. That’s…the joy. Dealing with simple pests ourselves will be what makes our marriage stronger, along with that part where we but a fixer-upper and fix it up together. And look, I shan’t be silly about the whole thing. If we need to lift the roof on with a crane, we shall get a crane. If we find the walls and roof infested with termites, we shall get people who know the termite inspection industry to help us out. But I just think the foundation of a marriage should be a home, and if you make and/or improve the home by yourself, it’s like you’re LITERALLY building your marriage. And when you get rid of a bunch of insects, it’s like you’re LITERALLY getting rid of the pests that invade a healthy relationship. And I guess, sometimes, the Mornington termite inspection people can help you out…it’s not like a marriage is an island. But I’d like the rule to be that we take strides to establish a healthy base. I’ve made too many mistakes to screw up the next one…