Everyone is making their own reality TV show nowadays. Ten years ago…an even balance between reality and normal. Now? It’s like all people want to see on TV is something that you can get in your everyday life, except with more dramatic music in the background.
I could do that. Anyone could come up with an idea for a show, and all you’d need is a few people who can cope with a camera being shoved in their face at the same time as something else. It’s easy; see, I’ll do it right now. ‘Landscaping…Dreams’. No, ‘Landscaping Wars’. ‘Australia’s Top Landscaper.’
No, strike all that: my show will be called ‘The Landscaper’. It will feature a driveway topping expert from Cranbourne (which, as everyone knows, is the premium location for that sort of thing), and he’ll be absolutely terrifying. Really nice guy (or lady, whatever) in real life, but on-camera they will be a terrifying force of nature, criticising every single pebble out of place. Then we just add some contestants who know nothing about exposed aggregate or tree planting formations, slap some edgy music over the top of the challenges and let the audience vote people off like we’re back in an ancient Roman gladiatorial arena. Maybe we could make a big mystery over the identity of the Landscaper. They can operate from the shadows, or as a letter on a computer screen, just like the Banker from ‘Steal or Don’t Steal’.
Now, you see, you might not THINK you were interested in driveway toppings and aggregate, but that’s the magic of reality TV. You WILL be, because the characters on the show are laying driveways, and you’re invested in *them*. Yes. Perfect. Flawless. I just need to find the right network to pitch my idea. Which would be ‘every single network’. The Landscaper, coming soon to a small screen near you!