The Drain King

I just saw a movie about an evil puzzle box that solves wishes or whatever. But the trick is that every time you make a wish, it grants your wish in a really horrible way. Like…you wish that you had a dog, and it sends a giant dog to come and try to eat you.

BUT, the extra trick is that every time your wish is granted, someone close to you has their secret desire granted. So the main character keeps making wishes because he’s an IDIOT and he thinks that he’s just doing it wrong. And while his life is falling apart, his Dad gets a free Porsche, his crush gets tickets to Beyonce and his best friend gets to own a drain repair company.

Yeah, that last one was a little left field. I’m all for promoting drain repair, Melbourne has some pretty old and terrible sewer systems. The best friend gets a lot of screen time, and he’s specifically portrayed as this drainage nerd who knows everything about pipes and sewers. Those are all important things, don’t get me wrong…I like how flushing the toilet works every single time, and I can maybe put a FEW food scraps down the sink without having to worry about a flood crisis. But like…kids don’t know about that stuff in school. The main character wishes to be really popular, but he goes into school the next day and finds that he’s ‘popular’ because he can do a perfect impression of Mickey Mouse, and people ask him to do it until he wants to scream. And then they get bored within a week.

Meanwhile, his best friend becomes the CEO of a series of drain unblocking and replacement companies operating within Melbourne, and quits school to go and make his fortune doing what he loves.

So yeah. Weird movie. And it’s supposed to be a horror, but the main character ends up being the only one with a happy ending after he burns the puzzle box under the full moon. Way to ruin everyone’s life in a terrible movie that’s never going to get a sequel.

-I